Bluebeard (will never be the same)
by SyrisRubes
Summary: A retelling of the classic fairytale...with less blood sad...sad thing. No pairings really, but a slight tint of shounen ai if you wanna get picky.


Fairy tale time! I've always wanted to write one, but I couldn't think of any that hadn't already been done. Or I didn't have any that I wanted to see done. But recently that changed, I got TWO fairy tales that I wanted to see...actually I was looking for information on one fairy tale, and the idea for the second one just CAME!   
  
Enough rambling, the story you are about to witness is the retelling (version 3 million) of Bluebeard. Done by none other than the cast of Yuu Yuu Hakusho!  
  
  
Kurama: Yeh.  
  
Disclaimers: I own neither the story Bluebeard, or the characters of YYH! I think this sucker is PG-13 -_-; no real pairings....   
  
  
Cough.   
  
  
~*~   
  
Our story begins as all fairytales do, once upon a time...oops no wait not this one. It begins with, there once lived...ah okay now that that's settled.   
  
  
There once lived a man...youkai actually who had fine houses in both town and country...matter of fact he owned the town. -_-;...and the country. Anyway along with the town (and Country), he also had possession of a great deal of gold, silver, finely embroidered furniture, and gold plated coaches. Yes indeedy he was a well off man...however this man was also unlucky enough to be cursed with a blue beard....no big deal right?  
  
Right...only problem with it is that his hair is as black as night, and his skin is pale white. So the blue beard looks slightly out of place...matter of fact, all who have seen him ran away because he was so hideously ugly...actually that's not the case at all. They ran away because whenever anyone drew the nerve to laugh at him. He killed them in very painful and slow fashions.   
  
Now as luck would have it, Bluebeard...let's just call him Yomi...because that's who he is ^^;;. Had a neighbor, a lady feared and respected throughout all of the maikai, she lived alone with her two *snort* daughters, and two *cough* sons. Yomi had developed a fondness for the -_-; er young ladies, and wished to wed one of them.   
  
Problem being that both 'daughters' found Yomi to be revolting....and made their displeasure about wedding him very vocal. Not to mention the fact that Yomi had been married several times before, and no one knew what had become of his other wives.   
  
Anyway, Yomi being the rich guy that he was, sought to change the girl's minds through bribery. Ahem. Did I say bribery? I meant gifts, yes gifts!  
  
" Hn."  
  
" Yomi what the hell is on your face? It looks like someone glued a fuzzy smurf to your chin." Kurama the older *cough* daughter said a near evil smirk on his face.   
  
Yomi twitched, " Kurama...."   
  
" Stay the hell away from my daughters ya damn leacher!"   
  
" Who are you calling a leacher scrap metal?!"   
  
  
^^;; Um he sought to win their favor by inviting the daughters, their friends, and their mother to his very large and well appointed country estate.   
  
Mukuro refused.   
  
Yomi made a passing comment about her artificial eye, and her resemblance to a squid.   
  
Mukuro promptly tried to blow up his city ^^;;;.   
  
Hiei's response was equally as negative as his mother's...only for the simple reason he was an antisocial little jerk.   
  
Kurama however agreed in hopes of finding something worth snatching...and managed to convince his wary (hostile) mother Mukuro , and his shy (vicious) younger sister *choke* Hiei to come along. (Mainly with threats of whining, and lectures from Shuuichi about proper manners, and I guess those creeping vines, and whatever was on those Polaroid's didn't hurt his case much -_-;)   
  
  
So everyone went to Yomi's well appointed country house and had a great time, telling (dirty)jokes(bad Kurama), eating, and drinking...or in the case of the shy (vicious) younger sister, terrorizing and killing the servants, and random inhabitants of the woods.   
  
  
  
During the course of this weekend, Kurama developed a fondness for the smurf faced one...(inbetween swiping his money, and silverware.) And considered Yomi's offer of marriage, (mainly because he figured it would be easier to take him for everything he had that way.).  
  
So upon their return home, wedding arrangements were made, and guests were invited. Blah blah blah, they got married. Kurama moved in with Yomi, and promptly starting taking and selling all of the fine jewels and embroidered furniture that he could get his grubby little youko hands on.   
  
One day while Kurama was making a deal with a traveling salesman over Yomi's favorite embroidered couch.   
  
Yomi came to speak to him.  
  
" 75 gold pieces? Do I look stupid? This thing is worth 350 easy!"   
  
" 100."   
  
" Keep trying buddy."   
  
" Fine 250 and that's-"  
  
*AHEM*   
  
Glancing up annoyed Kurama snapped a curt, " What can't you see I'm- Yomi...honey how are you?" Kurama's voice turned smooth as honey.   
  
Yomi glared (as best he could considering he's blind). " Precious. I'm going to be going on a long trip."  
  
Doing his best to feign disappointment Kurama nodded, " Aww...already? When are you leaving, and when are you coming back?"   
  
" I don't plan to be gone longer than 6 weeks, and I'm leaving in an hour." Yomi answered.  
  
Kurama nodded, solemnly, " Okay..." as he mentally calculated how much stuff he could sell, and how far across the maikai with the profits he could be in that amount of time.   
  
So caught up in his thoughts, Kurama didn't notice the key ring Yomi shoved at him at first.   
  
" What-"  
  
" These are the keys to all the locked rooms in my home. This key will open the door to the room I keep my most precious metals, this one opens the room with my most precious gems, this one is the fine wine cellar-"  
  
" You've been holding out on me a lot haven't you?" Kurama said testily. " What kind of marriage is it where there is no trust?"   
  
"..." Yomi declined to comment, and began again on his key ring. " This one opens the crystal room, this one is for the sauna, and this little one here. Is for a tiny closet in the furthest reaches of the basement. To get to it, you go down a set of hidden stairs behind an ABBA poster, and then a 4 foot long extremely dark hallway, then make a right at the corner and there will be another set of turns go left, and then right, and then left again."  
  
" Wait. Is that last turn a right or a left?"   
  
" A left."   
  
" Are you sure? Because I'm sure you said right."  
  
" I said left."   
  
" You said right!"   
  
" Left!"   
  
" Right!"  
  
" Left!"   
  
" Ri-"  
  
" It was left! And it doesn't matter because under no circumstances are you to open that door, understand?"  
  
" Why?" Kurama asked suspiciously.  
  
" Just do what I say."   
  
" Fine...but I don't see why you told me about it in the first place."   
  
Sighing Yomi rubbed his aching horns, " After I leave you may call your friends, and play hostess."   
  
" Great! More hands to help carry stuff out..."  
  
" Nani?"  
  
" Nothing."   
  
Yomi shook his head, " Very well...dear. I shall see you when I return." he grumbled heading pass the merchant. " And don't sell my fucking couch!"   
  
" Okay...sheesh."   
  
~*~  
  
Anyway scarcely a day had passed, when Kurama's 'friends' and business associates arrived. " Okay. I've got the keys to the good stuff, let's get goin' !" Kurama smiled, absently noting his younger sister's frowning disdainful presence.  
  
Shrugging he recalled what Yomi had said about that little room and made a mental note to go down there and check, after he'd set a task for everyone. Whatever he had down there had to be worth a pretty penny!   
  
So setting everyone to their tasks, Kurama flanked by his little sister made their way down the hidden closet that he wasn't supposed to open with greed in his heart.   
  
  
~*~  
  
Imagine his disappointment when he opened the door to find the bloodied decapitated remains of Yomi's last wives lined around the walls in the parody of an art gallery.   
  
Hiei blinked and shrugged.   
  
Kurama having expected something worth a few coins at very least reacted like a spoiled child, and threw the keys to the floor cursing Yomi and every other demon of his race.   
  
Hiei stared.   
  
Grumbling Kurama picked up the keys, and dragged Hiei from the room. Grumpy and annoyed.   
  
  
He was even more annoyed when he returned upstairs, and noticed the large bloodstain marring the key and shrugged. Walking over to a water bucket he quickly rinsed it off... the blood remained. He did it again....the blood was still there. Annoyed even more now, he proceeded to scrub it with anything he could get his hands on. He would get that _(&*_) stain out if it killed it! Nothing mocked youko Kurama! Not even a magic blood stain keeping key damn it!   
  
It was at this time, that Hiei disappeared from the room, and Yomi's sugary tones bounded. " Kurama! I'm home!"   
  
Looking up Kurama's ears flattened against his head...then perked as something occurred to him. All those mulcted people in that room had been married to Yomi...and for him to do that well....it probably had a lot to do with the stupid room and the damn key...the damn key that he was holding with a blood stain on it right now...and Yomi would probably try to-awwwww damn it...  
quickly removing the key Kurama shoved it in his shirt and rose to meet his husband. " Yomi. You're back. Why?"   
  
Yomi growled, " What a greeting. "   
  
" Yeah well..."  
  
" Look let's just get this damn story over with so that she can go do this to Ranma." Yomi grumbled.  
  
  
Shrugging Kurama tucked his hands in his shirt, " Nice to have to back horn head! "  
  
" And it's nice to be back beloved...where are my keys?"   
  
Kurama tossed Yomi the key ring.   
  
Taking the keys Yomi smiled, " That's lovely...now where is the key to the closet?" he asked sweetly.   
  
Kurama shifted nervously, " Well you see.... Idon'tknow."  
  
" Kuraaaaamaaaaaaaa..." Yomi tried again kindly...or it was intended to be kind but the twitch in the middle of his cheek stopped that line of thought cold.   
  
" You know you look thirsty...would you like something to dri-"   
  
" Give me my _)(&)&ing key!"   
  
" B-"  
  
" Give him the damn key !" Came the chorus around the room.   
  
Reluctantly Kurama gave Yomi the key.   
  
Yomi's face darkened as he *cough* looked at the stained key, " Youko!"  
  
"What?"   
  
" How did blood -" pausing Yomi read from the script absently scratching the annoyed fuzzy smurf on his chin. " Oh sorry. How comes this blood upon this key?"   
  
" I don't know." Kurama said absently filing his nails.   
  
  
Yomi twitched but continued with the script bravely, " You do not know?!" Yomi demanded, " I very well know! You were resolved to go into the closet, were you not? Mighty well, madam; you shall go in, and take your place among the ladies you saw there!"   
  
Kurama looked up calmly...for some reason everyone left the room...the house...and the surrounding area. " If anyone has a reason to be upset here! It's me! I trekked all the way down through the dirty basement in my WHITE clothes to see what was in that damn room. I get there and do I find some valuable treasure? Noooooo. Do I find some gold spinning demon thingie? Noooo. Or how about a magic harp? Noooo. Maybe at least an enchanted babble? Nooooo. What do I find? The mulcted bodies of your ex-wives!"   
  
Yomi would have blinked if he could..." Will you just follow the script?!"  
  
" I never got a copy of the script!"   
  
Suddenly a large black notebook fell from the sky right on to Kurama's head.  
  
" Itai!" Kurama growled at the ceiling before flipping the book open, " Let's see...let's see here...you will join them blah blah blah.. and then I throw myself on the floor in a sign of true repentance, and beg for forgiveness and vow never to be disobedient again. Not likely so let's skip that scene. Next one....Yomi grabs my hair and I whimper and plead for time to pray. Not likely for two reasons. Yomi touches my hair he dies. Me whimper I think not. He actually buys that time to pray excuse...how the hell did he become a King? Next scene..."  
  
  
Yomi sighs, " Will you-"  
  
" Okay I can do this next scene ja! " before anyone could protest Kurama bolted up the stairs to his room, and locked the door.   
  
Hiei was lounging back on the bed reading the complete short stories of ' Yukio Mishima' waiting for his scene.   
  
Clearing his throat, Kurama fell to the floor amidst a gale of fake sobbing.   
  
Hiei rolled his eyes and carefully set the book aside, " Sister what's wrong?" he asked blandly.   
  
Kurama let out a sob that sounded a lot like a choked chuckle, "Sister Hiei (for that was his name), "Go up, I beg you, upon the top of the tower, and look if my brothers are not coming over; they promised me that they would come today, and if you see them, give them a sign to make haste."he said with heart felt worry....not.  
  
Hiei rolled his eyes, and climbed out the window.   
  
" Hiei. Sister Hiei do you see anyone coming?" Kurama asked.   
  
And sister Hiei said: "I see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green..." Hiei replied, then muttered. " What other ()*^)(* color is it going to be?"   
  
  
In the meanwhile Bluebeard er Yomi, was holding a great sword in his hand and humming something about skinning a fox from the tail up, pausing he cried out as loud as he could bawl to his 'wife': "Come down instantly, or I shall come up to you."  
  
  
A loud and course, " You couldn't get it up with a pulley! You horned _&)_&_er!"  
  
Followed by a bellowed, " Stick to the +*_+* script!"   
  
  
Sighing Kurama said pleasantly, "One moment longer, if you please," like they were discussing dinner arrangements not his impending doom. -_-; Sighing Kurama turned back to the window, "Hiei , sister Hiei, dost thou see anybody coming?"  
  
  
" Didn't I tell you no already?!"   
  
" Leave me alone it's in the script!"   
  
With a put upon sigh, Hiei replied AGAIN, "I see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass, which is green...still."  
  
  
"Come down quickly," cried Yomi, "or I will come up to you."  
  
"I'm coming you impatient prick! " answered Kurama; and then he cried to Hiei, "Hiei, sister Hiei, dost thou not see anyone coming?"  
  
  
" I told you no twice all )&)^& ready! It's not changing stop asking me stupid )_&)^ questions!" Hiei growled, " No wait my bad, I see some dust...."  
  
" Is it my brothers?"   
  
Hiei paused, " Nope...just some sheep."   
  
"Will you not come down?" cried Yomi...bored.   
  
  
"I told you I'm )&^)*^& coming don't rush me! " Kurama bellowed ^^;; , and then he cried out: "Hiei, sister Hiei, dost thou see nobody coming?"  
  
  
" Look I told you already! I see some dirt and some sheep! Lay off- oh wait I see two people on horse back...but they are waaaaay out there!"   
  
"Inari be praised," replied the poor youkoi joyfully; "They are my brothers; I will make them a sign, as well as I can, for them to make haste."  
  
Kurama need not have worried about that, Yomi in his boredom had taken the liberty of putting a sign up in front of house flashing green and gold, that simply said. ' 50% off all you can eat buffet.'   
  
Then Yomi bawled out so loud that he made the whole house tremble.   
  
The distressed(not.) youko came down, and threw himself at Yomi's feet, all in tears,(okay he was standing there and cursing him up one side and the down the other but for the stories sake -_-;  
) with his hair about his shoulders.  
  
"This signifies nothing," says Yomi blandly, "You must die." Then, taking hold of Kurama's hair with one hand, and lifting up the sword with the other, he was going to chop off his head.   
  
The poor youko (actually he's pretty rich now ), turning about to him, and looking at him with dying eyes, desired him to afford him one little moment to recollect himself.  
  
"No, no," said he, "recommend thyself to God," and was just ready to strike . . .  
  
  
At this very instant there was such a loud knocking at the gate that Yomi made a sudden stop.   
  
The gate was opened, and presently entered two horsemen...actually it was a horseman and a girl with an oar...who were glaring at him with death in their eyes.  
  
" All right...I've had enough! I refuse to die by the hands of the bimbo!" Yomi protested.  
  
Botan pouted, " Hey!"   
  
" Oh come on, what's she going to do 'smite' me with her oar?"   
  
Kurama chuckled, " He's got a point..."  
  
Raising her oar threateningly Botan charged, Yuusuke followed.   
  
  
Yomi ran (per script) He knew them to be his wife's brothers, one was a reikai detective, and the other was a reikai ferry girl ^^;;;...with an oar...how very... scary...yeah.   
  
So that he ran away immediately to save himself; but the two 'brothers' pursued so close that they overtook him before he could get to the steps of the porch.  
  
  
" Oh no you don't sucker! Rei gun!"   
  
" ...Oar throw!"  
  
" What?"   
  
*Cough* As odd as the attack was...it worked. Yomi had taken Yuusuke's blast in the back, and teetered a little...Botan's thrown oar finished the job -_-;   
  
Satisfied both 'brothers' turned back to their sister, the poor youko was almost as dead as her husband, and had not strength enough to rise and welcome her brothers.  
  
Actually Kurama was standing there pointing and laughing...but once he saw he was supposed to be hurt he immediately flopped to the ground.  
  
  
Bluebeard had no heirs, and so his wife became 'mistress' of all his estate.   
  
He made use of one part of it to marry his sister Hiei to a young gentleman who had loved him for a long while.   
  
  
" Hiei my love!"  
  
" Kuno? Get the hell away from!"   
  
^_^;;; another part to buy captains commissions for his brothers.  
  
" We're big time now baby!"   
  
" Oh heck yeah!"  
  
^^;;; and the rest to marry himself to a very worthy gentleman, who made him forget the ill time he had passed with Yomi....  
  
Riiiight this is Kurama we're talking about....of course he did all that for his siblings, but the money he'd gotten from selling a lot of Yomi's things, were used as capital to start his own bar & brothel in Beverly Hills called ' Fox tales' ...where his human form Shuuichi met and fell in love with Ricky Martin... they've recently began dating openly this spring.   
  
  
  
The End....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
